Saturday, November 24, 2012

Could I Get a Free Pass, Please?

One of the things that the loss of a child brings is this constant knowledge that you can't rely on some idea that everything's going to be alright. Because it just might not. I wake up sometimes to check on Ada breathing, and just assume she isn't going to be. When I hear sirens, there is just a part of me that expects it to be David in an ambulance. There's a huge part of me that just makes the assumption that more tragic and terrible things will happen to me.

I wish there was a way to get some kind of free pass for the rest of my life. I mean, I lost my kid, I really don't deserve to get breast cancer, right? No tragic car accidents, no miscarriages or child deaths, no hard shit to get through. I'd be able to calm down and feel a lot better if I had some kind of promise that I've already dealt with the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with and that nothing will ever be this hard again.

We've been pretty lucky in life, I suppose. David and I have taken quite a few risks, and all in all there's only been one really bad thing that has happened. I just wish we could make some agreement with someone that if we just promised to live a very mundane, non-risky lifestyle then in return we would just be left alone and not have to deal with any more bullshit.

I wish for this free pass as we are getting closer to our new arrivals, and I worry about the worry that I will experience once they are here. Isn't that just dandy, worrying about how much you are going to worry? I hope to be able to eventually come to peace with the twins sleeping, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. Although this has been an incredibly stressful pregnancy, there is a feeling of protection as long as they are still living inside of me. I can't protect them once they are born- and I can only stay awake to watch them for so long before I'll have to sleep. It can't happen again, it just can't.


  1. Dear Holly-
    I have often thought the same thing, did think that once after 3 miscarriages and then I lost my almost 5 month old son. I wish that there were guarantees in life, or that Karma was somehow true. I do believe in God, but sometimes I think my God is very different than what most people believe- he doesn't pass out miracles based on number of people praying or the goodness of the person praying. My husband can't grasp a God so different than the one he used to believe in and is struggling. I am also pregnant and I worry, but I do feel that there is more good ahead in life and I know I will appreciate it more than most. I believe that this is true for you as well. Holly, I sincerely hope that there will be enough light in the midst of your fear that you will be able to feel more joy.

  2. Katie-
    I'm so sorry for your losses. I'll be wishing you a stress free pregnancy.

    Milliscent- Fuck you.