Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Six months, half a year, just yesterday and forever ago all at once

No matter how I look at it, it's just the same. It's only been so long since Charlie passed away and there is nothing I can do to rush the processes that we have to go through to heal, or probably better said- recover. Six months ago today, we woke up to our worst nightmare and while I can still relive every moment in slow motion in my head, at least I didnt wake up panicking to make sure my daughter was alive this morning.

I'm ready for this time period to be over. 2013 can't come and go fast enough for me, I just can't wait to get through this next year. I'm ready for the designers of infant clothing to come up with new stuff so I can stop running into people who have the same guitar jumper Charlie was wearing when he died, not to mention all the outfits he wore when he was here with us. I'm ready to stop jerking my head up every time I hear sirens and hoping nothing else has gone wrong. I'm ready to have holidays where I don't  think "this would be Charlie's first Halloween," and Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year's, and his birthday. I'm just ready to move faster than time is allowing for- which I guess is probably to my benefit. There's just such a big part of me that wants to skip this whole part of my life and move on to being a fully functional person again.

We're coming to a close in this time of limbo in our lives. After spending months with my mom, we're getting ready to be back in our house 100% of the time, beginning the super-nesting period for the twins, preparing for my husband to come off of his medications, and making plans for next year so that he can be home a little more. Things are about to get really different, really fast- just after we finally got used to them being how they are right now. But I guess that is the whole point of trying to create something better than just a new normal, right? You have to keep moving forward, even when it's not comfortable. 

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