Tuesday, March 19, 2013

As I lay them down to sleep tonight....

Today the twins are the exact same age as Charlie was before his breath was stolen in the night.

Things will not go the same way twice, I tell myself.
Tomorrow is Ada's birthday and nothing can go wrong, I tell myself.

No monitors in the world will help me get through tonight without getting up time and time again to check. And that moment of hesitation before I realize that they are still breathing, still alive, is the part that gets me every time.

I flash back to those moments when I realized what was happening that morning. I can't do it all over again. I can't survive it twice, I just can't.