Thanksgiving was hard enough. There were moments throughout the day when I wondered what he would be eating, what he would be doing, what he would be getting in to. But all in all, I got through it. Just like I get through every other day- somehow. Focusing on what I do have, not what I don't.
When I was wrapping Adaline's Christmas presents yesterday, this great sense of loss came over me and filled my whole body. All the things I'd never get to do seemed to crash down upon me at once. Never wrapping a gift for Charlie. Never getting to see him play with a toy, never watching his face as he realizes something he wanted was under the tree, and the worst- never getting to spend all day on Christmas sitting around happy with all my children around me.
I've tried not to allow myself to fall into the whole, "you miss people around the holidays even more" mentality, but I think there is something about all the warmth and happiness that accentuates the darker side of our lives. It feels like we should grasp at every opportunity to be happy and to feel surrounded by the ones we love, but at the same time there is an incredible sense of guilt for being happy and focusing on our child that is alive. It may be that this is the first time. Every time a holiday comes up, or anything different happens in our lives, it's easy to think, "This would be Charlie's first _______." Hopefully next year will be easier.