Friday, January 3, 2014

Happy Birthday to the twins

About this time a year ago tonight I was settling onto the couch in the only comfortable position I could lay in to watch my second-to-last episode of the final season of Desperate Housewives. I fell asleep towards the end and woke again an hour later to pee- for the millionth time of the day. When I settled back in it was only moments before I felt the big kick, followed by the fluid that let me know it was time to deliver the two precious humans who had been occupying my womb for just 35 weeks. I was scared- not just scared to deliver twins, but scared they wouldn't live. Scared of losing again, scared of holding another dead child in my arms and scared of feeling like I couldn't possibly take another breath again.

But they came, and it was stressful but it all worked out just fine. After 8 months on monitors, endless sleepless nights due to anxiety and 12 months later I am taking a break from baking and scrambling to get ready for their first birthday party tomorrow afternoon.

Today was not an easy day. Callie cried from five am until after two o'clock when her top tooth finally peeked through the gum. Meanwhile, Wendy was constantly attempting to climb on everything, including the wood stove and Ada was sneaking all the sugar in the house while I was busy caring for the other two in between trying to prepare for a party. And I cursed. And I was so frustrated because I couldn't get anything done and I messed up one of my icing colors. And then I cried. I cried because I realized that I didn't get to do this with Charlie.

Charlie is such a huge part of my life, but I never even got to celebrate his first birthday with him. It feels so strange to remember his imaginary party in my head- often times like it really happened- and then to realize that it was all just a dream of something I'd wished for.

One whole year. We've finally made it. When they were born I remember saying that I would finally be able to breathe after they turned one. And I am. And no matter how hard the day is, I am so happy to have these girls, so lucky to have them- and so grateful for every single day, even if it's filled with frustration.

Happy, Happy Birthday to my wonderful baby girls.

**please note that with two one year olds, editing is not really happening right now. I beg your forgiveness for my grammatical and spelling errors and in general the run on sentences.

1 comment:

  1. I cleaned the pollen from our sons grave with leaves gathered from the creek.

    When I was done some silt remained on the image of his cheek and so I licked my thumb and wiped it away .

    As I have done so many times with the girls.

    And I stood alone in this moment and had nowhere else to put it but here.